Sails Falling Off: The Metal King
I knew this was coming. I knew I had to fight it. In the end, though, I’ve learned that some things are just inevitable. -Maryan
Once, when I was a pre-teen, I had 999, 999 problems. Love was not one. I guess the notion that I would ever be in love was as ill-defined as the weather. The entire future was a mist to me, the cloudiest. All I was looking at was the present. I grew up in Iloilo without a care about love. There was one guy that I fell in love with, but I was able to control myself and fought the urge because I knew it was all going to be temporary. I didn’t want to end up being the girl who gets really lonely after a break-up. I’ve had friends who cried because of this selfish thing called love. I’ve had really interesting conversations with them. Those were the conversations which you just couldn’t control. If you tell them, it’s ok. They would say “It’s never going to be okay!”, or “Easy for you to say, you’re not the one who’s got her heart broken.” That’s when I figured, I didn’t want to have a relationship. At least, not now, which was then. It just didn’t dawn on me that I was going to be a victim of love. It was a really corny idea. I used to think “victims of love” is a term for stupid, unlogical people. I knew letting go does hurt. I just had no idea how much. Now, it’s just amazing how I’m still hanging on despite learning about letting go… the hard way. I feel proud of how strong I am. A tragic event marked the beginning of my first relationship. It was so tragic, the person involved could get into a whole lot of trouble if I write about it here. I’ve written too many stuff about him in my previous private blogs. I didn’t know why but I used to have this frenzy in my hands that forces me to type a lot of stuff about him. And the weird thing about it was that it made too much sense. My relationship with him lasted for quite long— a year and a half, to be precise. I knew it wasn’t right. I knew I had to let it all go and break it off with him before it gets too serious. I was robbed of something very precious, my childhood. Just last year, I had been AWOL to everyone, even to my own family. The relationship was very similar to a virus that spreads to your whole system. To top all of that, he wasn’t cooperating with me anymore. I used to have panic attacks then and got rushed to emergency rooms. I had also discovered bald spots in my head. I was running in and out of hysteria, mania and depression because of that relationship. Not the best thing to describe it, huh? Then, I decided to quit it. Now, I’m in a figuratively-defined state of paralysis. My heart had just been broken by someone who had entrusted me his heart, and vice versa. Readers, I shall now tell you how important that person is to me. I would cry a river thinking ad writing about it, yes, but tell you what. There are so many things that I’ve learned from him and from our relationship. The Metal King and I first met a year ago. It was probably summer. From what he tells me, he had admired how I played the piano and the guitar. I was working in a store that sells musical instruments. He would always pass by the store just to look at me and whenever he did, he would smile. In my own perspective, I would notice him looking at me. The thing that captivated me the most was his intense amount of charisma. He wasn’t ridiculously gorgeous, but he didn’t look that unfriendly, either. The way he deals with strangers, as I would notice him, proves my point completely. I did do the notorious salestalk with him once and he probably got overwhelmed by how I knew musical instruments. At the time, I was too busy persuading him to even notice his intentions. When he finally said thanks, probably for all the information I gave him, it got to me that he just wanted to hear me talk. He was smiling while walking away. Due to some business difficulties, we were forced to relocate to a cheaper slot in a different mall. For months the Metal King and I hadn’t seen each other. Then there was that fortunate, fortunate day at the mall opposite the one where we used to play staring games. I was on the escalator and looking down, I saw a pair of huge eyes darted towards mine. It was his. I got to the second floor realizing that I was headed to the wrong direction. So I traced my steps heading the opposite. To my surprise, the Metal King was rushing on the same escalator I took. Weird that I wasn’t creeped out. When he reached the second floor, he approached me immediately. I was still too stunned to react. He awkwardly talked to me. Said he was a huge fan and asked why I wasn’t in the mall anymore. It was really small talk, actually. The climax of that was when he presented me his notebook and asked if he could get my most overrated form of modern communication, which was my facebook address. I figured that didn’t really count as flirting since he said he was just a fan. I was beyond overwhelmed with that, I must confess. A fan. Without a single hint of hesitation I wrote my personal facebook account on his notebook. But before that, he presented me a pen that didn’t have ink so I hat to reach for mine. It was awkward, but hey, first meetings aren’t the most flawless ones. I had no one to keep in touch with when I was lonely. I had no one to turn to when I felt like I wanted to end my life. Well, just in time, he came. Oops. Dirty sentence, sorry. I’m glad he came. For so long, I felt really drawn to him whenever I would write stuff about myself. I would tell him how I hated my life. I would tell him everything from my tragic graduation when there was no one in my family who came to hand me my award (Best in Creative Writing) to the time when I wanted to eat apples so bad. My fingers were in an electric state whenever I would send him private facebook messages. It was a bit of my manic side, actually. I had very minimal control over it. In turn, the Metal King would also tell me stuff about himself. He would also tell me how much he hated his life, but that he was somehow optimistic that everything will be better in the future. For a year, it was like that between us.
Later on, the Metal King decided to ask me out. That was when the flirting started. Finally, I told him he was already my priority. I invited him over. For the first time in such a long, long time I felt nervous. It was then happiest day/night of my life that I can not describe the feeling without crying. He was 22, but he decided to begin his first relationship with me. It’s a very overwhelming feeling that I will forever hold the title. Then, comes the heartache. He broke up with me. A tsunami of sadness hit me. It was the most heartwrenching moment that I’ve ever experienced. It was not because I had been a bad girlfriend. If anything, I was probably the sweetest. Please excuse my confidence. It was because he still had some issues with himself and he did not want to drag me into it. For days I couldn’t find the logic of it all because I was certain we were mutually in love. It was all kind of cheesy to admit. What, from a rock and roll chick who treated music like it was a religion. My personality is far from the giddy little fragile coconut-head whenever I’m with him. My friends would agree. So I got hurt. So much. But then we remained friends. In fact, we still pretended to be in a relationship for the next few months. He made it to my 4-day Boracay birthday bash. I was the happiest girl in the world again. We haven’t seen each other again assoon as we got back to Manila but we still kept in touch through phone calls and texts. My ex helped the Metal King make the decision to finally put an end to whatever we have left. He was harrassing him and I felt really guilty about it. So he told me to forget about him and fin someone else. I guess I couldn’t really explain everything on my own. So here’s something from a very close friend who once had the bro conversation with the Metal King. He didn’t honor the bro code but I guess, the Metal King would have wanted him to let me know.
Maryan Dasal: Is there a girl involved? Charles Giner: No.. definitely no, one thing i can say, is sobrang mahal na mhal knya.. he said it directly.. na sobrang mahal k nya, even before nung magkakilala plng kyo.. he liked you, he knew in what situation you were in with your ex, and gusto k nya tulungan iligtas… Gago nga daw sobra ung ex mo eh, kung pwde lng patayin.. ang nabanggit nya skn.. prng may conflict sya.. with his personal life, family i guess? and ayw k nya i drag sa situation n un.. pero kung papipiliin sya.. he’d love you every single moment.. pero d nya maintindhn.bsta sb nya basta.. naawa ako kay maryan and di nya alm kung pno susolusyonan to.. dagdag p sa problema ung pangugulo ng ex mo He’s scared that he might fall deeply in love with you.. and that mgng deep kyo as shit, na bka pag nandyn n kyo sa point na committed n kyo.. bka d nya kya. like pnu kung ngayon okay lng mgkamali pero next time hnd na, pno kung masira kyo, at d n nya mblik.. pno kung kulang p sya.. sa buhay nya.. kung di p nya mhal srili nya enough kc nbnggit nya skn, hnd sya fulfilled na hnd ito ung gusto nya sa buhay nya, na mdme sya pangarap, na pra saiyong dlwa, pero nttkot sya na bka ngaun magkamali sya. tpos d n nya maayos at mawala k tuluyan. I guess maryan, from a guy to be that deep, to even sacrifice na msktan sya ng sobra pra iwanan ka.
For now, I may be ranting like hell in Twitter and Facebook but there’s always a reason for everything. I didn’t understand it before but now, I feel like I have goggles underwater. Clarity is the word. With a little help from very good friends, I could probably get by. I guess the break-up was kind of a good thing for the both of us. The plus sign. Positivity. There’s too much that I have yet to learn from love, but I definitely learned a lot from him. My relationship with the Metal King was a dream, even though it lasted for no more than two months. I love him. I really do. I’d go to the ends of the earth for him.Hell, I would even wait for him. While he’s going through a rough situation fining himself, I will try my best to be positive in everything that I do because I know it would make him feel better. All he ever wanted to see from me was happiness and I believe he’s still wishing for it right this very moment. For one, I admire the courage of the Metal King. He had helped me in ways that I never knew existed. He allowed me to see things in a brighter perspective. Thus, I figured my life should have the plus sign all the time. I salute him because he was selfless. I didn’t understand it before but now I know things shouldn’t be rushed. Fate has its own way of dealing with people. I don’t know if there’s still a possibility of us getting back together. I honestly don’t want to expect too much. I don’t want to hope for it, either. But fate’s always going to point you to the right direction. Who knows? Fate could actually twist things and make a better future for the both of us, whether we’d be together or not.
Chris ito na magiging last wall post ko. Promise ko sayo magiging masaya ako. :) Pag may kailangan ka i’m just here. Yun lang. Sana malutas mo lahat ng mga problema mo. I’ll be backing you up always. Goodbye to for now. But fuck that andami kong natutunan sayo. Mabuhay ka, Chris. Isa kang napakabuting nilalang. Mag-ingat ka lage. Kakayanin ko na to. Naiintindihan ko na lahat. Pucha I raise my middle finger to all my problems. Fuck them all, hindi ko sasayangin buhay ko sa kanila. Rakenrol ako. Palag-palag. O siya sige. Pwede mo na rin ako iblock kung gusto mo. Sobrang okay lang sakin. Maging okay ka lang. Pero pag ayaw mo naman e di wag. haha. Sige alis na ako. Bye :)
(Source: friedheadphones.wordpress.com)
